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What Your Sheets Secretly Say About You

If you want to know someone’s true character, don’t bother with personality tests, phrenology and the like. Just have a look at their bed linens. Yes, it turns out that the emerging field of sheetology* has much to tell us about people’s innermost selves.

In the interest of truthiness we’ve compiled this highly scientific rundown of the deeper meanings that lurk behind our bedding choices.

  • Silk Sheets: The person who opts for silk is telling the world “I don’t care if I slip and slide around in bed like a hard-boiled egg on a dinner plate—I am a person with style. I also don’t care if I have to spend hours hand-washing my sheets or hundreds of dollars dry cleaning them.”
  • Satin Sheets: “I too don’t care about slipping, sliding or dry cleaning, but I don’t have enough money for silk.”
  • Polyester Sheets: “I am extremely practical. I am the most practical person you’ve ever met. If my sheets are inexpensive and easy to care for, that’s the most important thing—more important than whether I and my sleeping companion have our skin rubbed raw by bed linens that are as soft and supple as a great big piece of sandpaper.”
  • Flannel Sheets: “I live in Northern Minnesota and it’s February.”
  • Hypoallergenic 2000 Thread-Count Mercerized Egyptian Cotton Sheets: “I believe that higher numbers are always better than lower numbers, whether it’s thread count or price tag. And I never read Consumer Reports.”
  • Linen Sheets: “I am Amish.”
  • Cotton Blend Sheets: “I want soft, smooth bedding that feels cool next to my skin. I don’t want to waste time ironing, so I like the wrinkle-free aspect. I am intelligent, practical, style-conscious, thrifty, reverent, honest, attractive and psychologically well-adjusted. I am kind to children, animals and those less fortunate than me (e.g. people without cotton blend sheets).”

*This is really a thing. Or if it isn’t, it should be.